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That Kind of Love

| louisse22

By: Louisse Leones

I loved you more than I ever loved myself

Do you want to know how I knew?

It was when I’m starving,

but there’s only one piece of pie so I gave it to you.

It was when you’re sick, and I am too,

but I chose to be well so I could take care of you.

It was when I left home,

because I stood up and fought for you.

It was when I am in a place full of people,

but my eyes would still frantically look for you.

I was your eyes when you couldn’t see

Your hands, your feet when you couldn’t move

Your shoulder to lean on and cry

Your believer when no one else believed in you.

I was your constant, your savior, your rock

I was it all, and I realized

I deserve that kind of love too.

Being half loved by someone- this is how it feels

| louisse22

By Louisse Leones, February 24, 2019

Have you ever loved someone so much that you’re willing to accept half the love they give you just to make them stay?

He didn’t tell me exactly that it’s only a half-love kind of thing, that he doesn’t love me enough, but do you want to know how I know? -because it feels so much more like it.

I kept thinking if I wasn’t good enough

I felt truly insecure in our relationship, because no matter what I do, how much I change my looks, or dress pretty – I never felt beautiful when I’m with him. It feels like he’s still looking for something else that I don’t have. I kept thinking what it was, until I realized, with someone who truly loves you, you will always be more than enough, and will never fail to  remind you that you are.

I didn’t know where I stand in his life

For a long time I kept wondering “what does he feel about me?” “Does he also think of me when we’re not together?” “Is he hurting too?” “Why doesn’t he tell me he loves me back?” These are the questions that were often at the back of my mind for years that we were together. Eventually, I stopped wondering. I realized that someone who truly loves you will never let you stand alone, and make you wonder what you really mean to them.

I felt like I was entitled to do something to make him love me more

I don’t know why, but I always felt that way. I was afraid to say no, because I want to please him in all possible ways. I changed who I was for him to accept me, and show me to the world – but I realized, you don’t need to change for someone who truly loves you, because they would accept who you are, and who you are not regardless of what other people say.

It felt like I’m waiting for something that’s never gonna happen

It’s torture to wait for something when you know deep down it’s never gonna happen. My stubborn heart keeps on giving me false hopes that one day he will come around and meet me half way. But you know, someone who loves you will understand – it takes both sides to build a bridge.  So if he wants the two of you to work, he will do whatever it takes.

It hurts more than it heals

I wouldn’t deny, there were also some amazing days, and nights that we spent together, and perfect moments that only exist now in my memory – but I think that could never compensate for the nights I cried on my pillow feeling unwanted, looked at the mirror and not liking anything about me, because he always sees the flaws, and will always remind me of it. His words that cut deep like a knife, and how I felt like I would never be good enough for anybody else, because I am me. It’s a constant questioning of my self worth every day.

In the end, I realized that it’s not love. It’s torture. It’s a battlefield. It’s heartbreak. It’s self destruction.

because a man who truly loves you will never see your weakness as their strength, your fears as their power, and your suffering as their joy.

I got caught up with the happy times and perfect moments that when everything gets hard, I try to block them out of my mind, hoping that tomorrow is one of the good ones, one of the days where I know he loves me, but it doesn’t work that way, love is not only sometimes. It’s always, and you should feel it deep in your bones.

It’s faithfulness. It’s tranquility. It’s commitment. It’s intimacy. It’s profundity. It’s strength. It’s a reason to look forward to what tomorrow brings. It’s a reason to trust in life, and most of all, it heals. Real love is the only love that you need. Unilateral love is anything but love. It’s a poetic term for heartbreak. A poetic term for pain.

Fur Parent Diaries

| louisse22

September of last year, my now ex-boyfriend and I decided to have a dog, because I wanted to have one so badly. I can still remember how I would persuade him that we should get a dog, and my persistence paid off. We bought a shih tzu puppy – and that was one of the best decisions we ever made.  

Looking back, I can still remember the excitement we felt at the fast food restaurant when we were impatiently waiting for the seller to arrive so we could see the puppies, and pick one. We randomly mentioned any names for the pup that we could think of. We do not know the gender of the pup we will have, but we’re assuming that it’s a boy. After countless tries we agreed on the name- Meiko. It turned out to be a girl, so we named her Meika.

My ex boyfriend told me, what he felt the moment he saw Meika was “Love at first sight.” He knew at that very moment, she was gonna be our baby.

We were ambivalent when the seller told us that we could finally bring her home. We were ecstatic, and also anxious of having this kind of responsibility. We are just as clueless as any other first time fur parents out there, considering that she is not just a toy. She’s living, breathing, and has emotions just like us. We are committed to take care of her well being, and give her the best life as much as possible. She’s more than just a dog to us, she’s part of the family.

The first few days, and weeks of raising Meika was not easy since she’s still adjusting, and we are too. Countless trips to the vet clinic for her vaccination is tiring, and also being patient with her when she’s being a picky eater. We did a lot of research regarding Shih tzu’s behaviors so we could meet her halfway, and understand her thoroughly. The articles we read on the internet are really reliable, and it helped us a lot regarding Do’s and Dont’s, tips to keep her healthy, etc.

but the most important thing I learned is that “Dogs do speak, but only to those who know how to listen.”

Sooner, Meika learned to consider us as her home. She would let us cradle her, tickle her, and sleep beside her, and that’s the most joyous moment of raising her, when she learned to entrust her life to us, especially to her dad. We enjoyed afternoon walks in the neighborhood, and also we enjoy watching her eat her favorite and the only allowable dessert she could eat which is -plain vanilla ice cream.

Now, Meika is already six months old. She’s healthy, very active and a happy puppy. Looking back to the struggles we had from the 1st day of parenting until now, I couldn’t be more than happy that we survived it, and raised her well. There were countless of misunderstandings of course on how to handle Meika, what to let her eat, our different ways of disciplining her. I admit, I am the spoiler, and her dad’s the disciplinarian, but we complemented each other in terms of raising Meika, and we couldn’t be more than happy seeing her everyday alive, and well.